Happy Birthday Robert De Niro

On this day, 17th of August, in 1943 Robert De Niro Jr. was born. Y’know what that means, it’s another daft birthday tribute ramble thing. So… Robert De Niro…. pfffff…. Bloody good actor ain’t he. Really though, how bloody good is he! Did you see him in- or when he did that – or when he played-oh… and d’you remember that bit when he- BLOODY GOOD ACTOR!

Right, that’s that out the way. Lets play a stupid game.

What I decided to do to mark Robert De Niro’s birthday was to answer a question that has been bugging me for a little while: “Which character, played by Robert De Niro, is the best?”

Now, as you can see, the problem with this question is the subjective word “best”. What do we mean by “best”? It’s not really a word you can grab hold of. Sometimes “best” means the most efficient. Sometimes the most popular is the “best”. Do we mean the most functional or most studied or the most memorable or the least harmful? “Best” seems to be the umbrella  that forms over any number of criteria, donating the pinnacle of excellence in any or all of them. It is a problem with far too many variables for one man to conceivably measure in a life time. Even if I was to devote every waking hour to getting to the bottom of this minor query, I’m pretty sure devoting said lifetime is sure to erode whatever subjectivity you were hoping to maintain. It was impossible!

Then I stumbled upon the answer!!

I randomly came across a link to this book  – 55 Ways to Have Fun With Google By Philipp Lenssen. (You should have a nose through – it’s quite entertaining.) In it are two games: Googlefights (Chapter 37) and Googleshare (Chapter 23). Both of these games involve (as you may have guessed) using Google to pitch topics against one another to find out, once and for all, which is best – using nothing more than the number of results found by Google.

Constructing The Tournament.

Googlefights is the most straight forward: simply take two topics, type each into Google and the one with the highest number wins. For example “Meet the Parents” vs “Meet the Fockers”  would give the result: 3,440,000 results vs 2,980,000 results = “Meet the Parents” wins [all results are as of today and are subject to change]. I realised that I could simply pit my favorite De Niro characters against each other in some kind of wacky tournament and, by using this method, the results would be the most popular, most discussed, most linked… i.e. “the best”.

The problem with this is that any tournament that you design (at least any that produce a full ranking at the end.) would simply order the list from highest to lowest no matter which order you start with i.e. the one with the highest score would always be the winner from the start, which takes out the combative element somewhat.

The solution to this is to employ Googleshares. This game compares one subject to another by comparing it with it’s parent category. The example given in the book is finding out who is the best band member by comparing each to the band name. You would do this by searching “Band Name” and noting the result. Then you add each of the band members in turn i.e. SEARCH: “Band Name” “Singer” [note down the result] then SEARCH: “Band Name” “Drummer” [note down the result. ] The winner is the band member with the largest percentage of pages that feature the band name.

Example: “Meet the Parents” vs “Meet the Fockers”  when compared with “Robert De Niro”

SEARCH: “Robert De Niro” = 20,200,000 results

SEARCH: “Robert De Niro” “Meet the Parents” = 1,380,000 results
SEARCH: “Robert De Niro” “Meet the Fockers” = 813,000 results

Meet the Parents = 1,380,000 results / 20,200,000 results =6.8%

Meet the Fockers = 813,000 results / 20,200,000 results = 4.0%

Meet the Parents wins (again)

So, by using a combination of these, I designed a tournament which would settle the question and finally produce De Niro’s greatest character.

Scoring System.

There are three scores used in the following tournament:

The Popular Score – A Googlefight with results produced the total number of results.

The Comparative Score – A Googleshare with results produced from comparing the character to the film i.e. SEARCH: “Meet The Parents” “Jack Byrnes”

The Relative Score – A second Googleshare with results produced from comparing the character to the actor i.e. SEARCH: “Robert De Niro” “Jack Byrnes”

The tournament itself is an eight-man, double elimination (i.e. each character has two lives) in which the second defeat halts that characters progress and infers the appropriate rank on them. [it sounds complicated but it just means that the first round splits the tournament into two divisions – winners and losers – but the losers are not eliminated but pair off again.]

The final thing to mention is that all the Google results were collected on 16-08-2011.

Right, enough of this! Let’s get on with it.

Meet the Contenders.

The eight characters I chose for this fantasy smackdown are:

• Jake LaMotta (Raging Bull)
• James Conway * (Goodfellas)
• Johnny Boy (Mean Streets)
• Max Cady (Cape Fear)
• Neil McCauley (Heat)
• Sam ‘Ace’ Rothstien (Casino)
• Travis Bickle (Taxi Driver)
• Vito Corleone (The Godfather Part II)

* Iknow – He is more commonly know as Jimmy [bloody IMDb] but I started with “James” so I had to carry on with it.

The first round was drawn by random lottery.

Round One

Match One: Johnny Boy (Mean Streets) vs Vito Corleone (The Godfather Part II)

AKA: Rise of the Don.

Synopsis: Two young men, separated by a generation, both trying to negotiate the criminal underworld of New York and make it to the top.

Scoring Type: Popular

Result: Johnny Boy wins –  215% more popular.

I fuck you right where you breath, because I don’t give two shits about you or nobody else. – Johnny Boy

Match Two: Max Cady (Cape Fear) vs Jake Lamotta (Raging Bull)

AKA: The Big Bad Wolf vs The Raging Bull

Synopsis: Two dangerous men struggling to reign in the beast within.

Scoring Type: Popular

Result: Max Cady wins – 292% more popular.

You think a couple whacks to my guts is gonna get me down? It’s gonna take a hell of a lot more than that … to prove you’re better than me! – Max Cady

Match Three: James Conway (Goodfellas) vs Neil McCauley (Heat)

AKA: The Gent vs The Professional

Synopsis: Two career criminals who like things to run smoothly and be under full control.

Scoring Type: Popular

Result: James Conway wins – 248% more popular.

Now I want to talk to you about Jimmy, you have to watch out for him. He’s a good earner but he’s wild, takes too many chances. – Paul Cicero

Match Four: Travis Bickle (Taxi Driver) vs Sam ‘Ace’ Rothstein (Casino)

AKA: Kings and Cockroaches

Synopsis: One man who feels he is king of Vegas meets a man from the bottom rungs of New York.

Scoring Type: Popular

Result: Travis Bickle wins – 150% more popular.

I think someone should just take this city and just… just flush it down the fuckin’ toilet. – Travis Bickle

Division Two

Match One: Vito Corleone vs Jake Lamotta

AKA: Brando’s Tribute

Synopsis: De Niro takes on the role made famous by Marlon Brando and then recreates a memorable scene from “On the Waterfront“.

Scoring Type: Comparative.

SEARCH: “The Godfather part ii” “Vito Corleone” | “Raging Bull” “Jake Lamotta”

Result: Vito Corleone wins (16% comparative vs 6%)

I make him an offer he don’ refuse. Don’ worry. – Vito Corleone

Match Two: Neil McCauley vs Sam ‘Ace’ Rothstein

AKA: Love’s Labours Lost

Synopsis: Two cool-headed highrollers, struggling to strike the balance between true love and a life of crime.

Scoring Type: Comparative.

SEARCH: “Heat” “Neil McCauley” | “Casino” “Sam Ace Rothstein”

Result: Sam Ace Rothstein wins (0.09% comparative vs 0.01%)

When you love someone, you’ve gotta trust them. There’s no other way. You’ve got to give them the key to everything that’s yours. Otherwise, what’s the point? And for a while, I believed, that’s the kind of love I had.  – Sam ‘Ace’ Rothstein

Division One

Match One: Johnny Boy vs Max Cady

AKA: Mad, Bad and Dangerous to Know.

Synopsis: Bookends to a life misspent. The first – a young man’s ambition, the latter – a prisoners festering vengeance. Both on a path for destruction.

Scoring Type: Popular

Result: Johnny Boy wins – 294% more popular.

You know, ’cause that’s what you are, that’s what I think of you: a jerk-off. You’re a fucking jerk-off! You’re laughing ’cause you’re a jerk-off. – Johnny Boy

Match Two: James Conway vs Travis Bickle

AKA: Preparing Your Own Downfall

Synopsis: Two people messing with people they shouldn’t – and then trying to shoot their way out of trouble.

Scoring Type: Popular.

Result: James Conway wins – 117% more popular.

What’s the fuckin’ matter with you? What – what is the fuckin’ matter with you? What are you, stupid or what? … I’m kidding with you. What the fuck are you doin’? What are you, a fuckin’ sick maniac? – James ‘Jimmy’ Conway.

7th / 8th Place Faceoff.

Match: Jake Lamotta vs Neil McCauley

AKA: Walking Away in the First Round.

Synopsis: Who will be the first to be eliminated?

Scoring Type: Relative

SEARCH: “Robert De Niro”  “Jake Lamotta” | “Robert De Niro” “Neil McCauley”

Result: Neil McCauley wins (0.6% relative vs 0.4%)

Rank:

7th = Neil McCauley (Heat)

A guy told me one time, “Don’t let yourself get attached to anything you are not willing to walk out on in 30 seconds flat if you feel the heat around the corner.” Now, if you’re on me and you gotta move when I move, how do you expect to keep a… a marriage?

8th = Jake LaMotta (Raging Bull)

You don’t understand! I coulda had class. I coulda been a contender. I coulda been somebody — Jake LaMotta

6th Place Faceoff.

Match: Vito Corleone vs Sam ‘Ace’ Rothstein

AKA: Empires Rise and Fall.

Synopsis: Two men trying to build and maintain an empire founded on reputation.

Scoring Type: Relative

SEARCH: “Robert De Niro”  “Vito Corleone” | “Robert De Niro” “Sam Ace Rothstein”

Result: Vito Corleone wins (2.1% relative vs 1.8%)

… and this is for you. – Vito Corleone

Rank:

6th = Sam ‘Ace’ Rothstein (Casino)

But in the end, we fucked it all up. It should have been so sweet, too. But it turned out to be the last time that street guys like us were ever given anything that fuckin’ valuable again. – Nicky Santoro

5th Place Faceoff.

Match: Max Cady vs Travis Bickle

AKA: Clash of the Psychos.

Synopsis: All-out, Full-on crazy mayhem.

Scoring Type: Comparative.

SEARCH: “Cape Fear” “Max Cady”| “Taxi Driver” “Travis Bickle”

Result: Max Cady wins (2.9% Comparative vs 1.3%)

I am as large as God, He is as small as I. He cannot above me, nor I beneath Him be. – Max Cady

Rank:

5th = Travis Bickle (Taxi Driver)

Now I see this clearly. My whole life is pointed in one direction. There never has been a choice for me. – Travis Bickle

Semi-Final.

Match: Johnny Boy vs James Conway

AKA: The Prodigy’s Teeth Marks in the Hand on The Mentor.

Synopsis: Almost a role reversal between Harvey Keitel’s character (Charlie) trying to deal with the wildcard Johnny Boy while trying to keep his bosses happy; and De Niro’s James ‘Jimmy’ Conway trying to deal with Joe Pesci’s Tommy DeVito.

Scoring Type: Popular.

Result: Johnny Boy wins – 402% more popular

You two-faced, dirty fucking bastard! Don’t you ever hit me again! – Johnny Boy

4th Place Faceoff.

Match: Max Cady vs Vito Corleone

AKA: A Life Stolen.

Synopsis: Two men with a grudge. One lost his family and was forced to leave his country. The other lost 14 years to incarceration.

Scoring Type: Relative

SEARCH: “Robert De Niro”  “Vito Corleone” | “Robert De Niro” “Max Cady”

Result: Vito Corleone wins (2.1% relevence vs 0.7%)

The godfather was born Vito Andolini, in the town of Corleone in Sicily. In 1901 his father was murdered for an insult to the local Mafia chieftain. His older brother Paolo swore revenge and disappeared into the hills, leaving Vito, the only male heir, to stand with his mother at the funeral. He was nine years old. – Title Card

Rank:

4th = Max Cady (Cape Fear)

I sentence you to the Ninth Circle of Hell! Now you will learn about loss! Loss of freedom! Loss of humanity! Now you and I will truly be the same… – Max Cady

3rd Place Faceoff.

Match: James Conway vs Vito Corleone

AKA: How to Win Friends and Influence People in The Mafia.

Synopsis: Two men who are both outsiders, Vito an Italian immigrant to America – Conway an Irishman in the Italian Community, both trying to get to the top.

Scoring Type: Comparative.

SEARCH:“Goodfellas” “James Conway”| “The Godfather part ii” “Vito Corleone”

Result: Vito Corleone wins (16% comparative vs 0.17%)

[in Italian] Do me this favor. I won’t forget it. Ask your friends in the neighborhood about me. They’ll tell you I know how to return a favor. – Vito Corleone

Rank:

3rd = James Conway (Goodfellas)

I got respect for this kid. He’s got alot of fucking balls. Good for you, don’t take no shit of nobody. He shoots him in the foot he tells him to go fuck himself. – James ‘Jimmy’ Conway

The Final (Finally).

Match: Vito Corleone vs Johnny Boy

AKA: Revenge of the Don.

Synopsis: Here we are – back where we started (I swear I drew these at random). Can the blazing star Johnny Boy withstand the onslaught of the battle hardened Young Vito.

Scoring Type: Best of all three.

Round One: Popular

SEARCH: “Johnny Boy” = 3,590,000 results

SEARCH: “Vito Corleone” = 1,670,000 results

Result: Johnny Boy Win – 215% more Popular

Round Two: Comparative

SEARCH: “Mean Streets” = 3,610,000 results | “Mean Streets” “Johnny Boy”= 69,700 results

SEARCH: “The Godfather part ii”= 1,710,000 results | “The Godfather part ii” “Vito Corleone” = 274000 results

Result: Vito Corleone win (16% comparative vs 1.9%)

Round Two: Relative

SEARCH: “Robert De Niro” = 20,100,000 results

SEARCH: “Robert De Niro” “Vito Corleone” = 428,000 results

SEARCH: “Robert De Niro” “Johnny Boy” = 96,500 results

Result: Vito Corleone wins (2.1% relative vs 0.5%)

RANK:

2nd = Johnny Boy (Mean Streets)

Hey asshole, this is for you asshole! He’s a fucking asshole! – Johnny Boy

Winner: Vito Corleone (The Godfather Part II)

You’re happy, I’m happy. – Vito Corleone.

So there we have it – the answer to our question “Which character, played by Robert De Niro, is the best?” – The answer : Working man cum mafia boss, Don Vito Corleone as portrayed in The Godfather Part II. [Of course, on a different day – under different circumstances, you can produce a different outcome.]

And the prize? Err… How about this video:

In Summation.

Rankings:

8th = Jake Lamotta (Raging Bull)
7th = Neil McCauley (Heat)
6th = Sam ‘Ace’ Rothstein (Casino)
5th = Travis Bickle (Taxi Driver)
4th = Max Cady (Cape Fear)
3rd = James Conway (Goodfellas)
2nd = Johnny Boy (Mean Streets)
1st = Vito Corleone (The Godfather Part ii)