Forth Three Month Review

–Memo From ChivCo Head Office–

From the desk of: Reginald T. Goldfish – Acting President of ChivCo

For care of: the ChivCo Founder.

Dated: 26th April to 2012

Period covered : 28th January 2012 to 26th April 2012

Message:

Greetings pitiful employee,

If you can so be called.

We have serious cause for concern about the level of absenteeism you have exhibited over this final quarter. Perhaps you feel that you can simply shirk your responsibilities and no one will notice?

While all cursory information would point towards this as a viable conclusion, rest assured that NOTHING escapes my keen attention. In fact don’t rest assured at all. Quake. That is what we require you to do – Quake in terror. Or, failing that, how about – as a suggestion – DO SOME BLOODY WORK!

As for my keen attention, don’t think we didn’t notice that – in my last report– not only did you repost it verbatim and pass it off as your own work BUT we also noticed that you linked it up in such a way as to provide a cheap contents page. While we – and by we I mean I [and by I I mean you]  – have come to expect this kind of lazy tactic We/I/You/Us/They are not happy about it.

Speaking of laziness – let us move on to your output over the past three months.

Let’s see now… hmmm… So much to go over. A whole two posts. Wow! I demand you take an immediate vacation so as to rest your weary typing fingers. I’m sure you have a multitude of excuses – none of which I am interested in. My purpose is not to listen to your petulance. My purpose is to review your content and, unlike you, I intend to undertake and complete this task in a timely and efficient manner.

So, on to business:

Post #1: Your fiftieth post.

A stream of conciousness upon the topic of conciousness. I’m sure that that little linguistic joke had you rolling about with laughter, didn’t it. I’m sure you felt it a fitting tribute to the previous 49 redundancy laden articles that proceeded it. We, on the other hand, are not amused.

I must, in this regard, draw your attention to your closing statement found at the bottom of this… whatever that post was:

Forget the economy, ideas are what we trade in here. They are the TRUE currency.

In which case, you my unrequiting purveyor of buffoonery are a lot poorer than you thought.

Post #2: An Easter Egg hunt.

Not satisfied with turning this blog into a massive pantomime over the Christmas holiday; you endeavoured to outdo  yourself at Easter by turning it into a massive crossword puzzle. It’s things like this that make me wonder weather you are taking this thing seriously at all. And, for your information, no – I didn’t bother to play along.

I don’t care how funny you think it is to leave links to YouTube videos and the like all over the place – a certain, inescapable truth remains: How are you to build and keep some kind of readership (misguided and delusional as they would have to be) if you are forever inviting them to go elsewhere and look at other (much more professional) things?

Perhaps your ego accommodates the notion that they will return to your ramblings after viewing, resisting the allure of the recommended videos that follow. Here in reality however (and by reality I mean in the mind of a fictional goldfish sat atop a non-existent desk in a three-walled office) people are slaves to habit and curiosity and are NOT prone to bouts of unexpected loyalty toward directionless, scatterbrained individuals such as yourself.

In summation.

This is not the first time I have had to give you a good telling off for your conduct. In fact, as I recall, that is all I have ever done. Sure, I enjoy being unnecessarily cruel to you and it certainly makes me feel like a big fish in an imaginary bowl but, after almost a year of this, I’m am starting to feel that I am wasting my time.

Going forward – would it kill you to post something at least once a week? I mean, four little musings a month – it’s not much to ask for is it? I don’t even care what you write about – pick topics out of a hat if you like – but you HAVE to start writing SOMETHING. Or else we should just cut our losses and abandon this venture completely. Let these pages stand as another failed experiment in textual entertainment.

I don’t want to see that happen! Not least because shouting at you every three months is the only job I have and I don’t want to loose it but also; the dereliction of this blog  would likely cause a catastrophic existence failure to my own personal being and I shall go the way of the forth wall.

So please, for my sake, pull your thumb out!

From the desk of Reginald T. Goldfish – Acting President of ChivCo